Catching Smoke

It never ceases to amaze me just how much someone can change your life. Every night, as I lie in bed and say my prayers, I reflect on the day's events and lessons learned. I have come to the conclusion that though I have already learned quite a fair amount from life and the people involved in it, there will always be more lessons to learn from. My latest expedition has allowed me to draw many conclusions about my life, as well as about the person I am inside.

Never have I laughed so loudly (or so hard that I have tears streaming down my face and am four shades of fuscia because of air deprivation) or heartily; never have I cried more happy tears from kind words; never have I smiled so much; never have I wanted to not go to sleep, because for once in my life, reality is in fact better than my dreams; never have I felt so sure of my emotions, so happy, so exhilarated. These entire thoughts stem from one source: an amazing (though he doesn’t believe he is) person, Mike. If I could bottle up the feelings, thoughts, and realizations and give them to him, I would in less than a heartbeat. Never have I been struck speechless the countless times that I have been since Mike and I began talking- I rarely shut up as it is. I know he knows how happy he makes me, but I don’t think that he feels the exact caliber that I deal with every time I think of him, talk to him, or spend time with him. Of course, I won’t speak for him, I mean I know I make him happy, too, but how do you describe a feeling that is indescribable in the first place? It’s like trying to catch smoke with your bare hands; you can’t.

I tried to tell him earlier something that had been eating at me and devouring my very being. I actually didn’t realize it until quite recently, and for the first time I am utterly terrified to admit to one of my feelings. He said earlier today that he would catch me if I only took the leap; well dear, let me tell you, I’ll leap blindly into your arms any day, I just don’t want to scare you off. I know your big fear- and you are justified in every way to feel it, who am I to tell you not to? I myself just stated that I, too, am afraid. Yet, no matter what angle I try to approach it from, I cannot come to any other conclusion. However, I will refrain from actually partaking in the act of verbally admitting it, for both of our sakes (for now, at least; I make no promises for when we are both ready to hear it).

*Long contented sigh* And despite all of the aforementioned things, I still want to be with him, having him hold me and just talking with him about anything and everything. Tonight makes the second conversation in a row via phone that we have clocked out at over an hour- last night was 68 minutes and tonight was over 90 (close to 100 minutes, I believe). I can’t recall the last time I talked to someone that long- and there wasn’t even a moment of “awkward silence” at all! He is just absolutely fantastic. He’s all I’ve ever wanted and so much more. I just hope he realizes that, and that he can understand just what he means to me.

I don’t want to think about August; I’d rather live for the moment here and now with him than dwell on the future pain to come. I shall cherish every waking moment that I have with him while I still can, until we physically cannot continue the relationship we have begun. And while I understand that it’s not exclusive, I don’t want or need anyone else right now, and that’s the truth. He’s treated me better than anyone in my past ever has. I deeply care for him and would be there for him in a heartbeat if he asked me to.

But alas, my long-winded ranting has to come to a close. I am exhausted after a long day and am about to go to bed. Goodnight.