Free-writing is new to me, but I feel as though this particular entry calls for it. So no holds barred, nothing held back, just pure thoughts and honesty- whatever comes to mind as I type. Here we go.
-----------
Wow. Where to begin.... *sigh* So much has changed... so many mistakes, choices, words and actions gone wrong...... So many realizations... so many things that have literally turned my world upside down and inside out. Yet, alongside the Bad has been the Good... the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel, if you will. I've grown, matured, and learned. I've experienced new things and continue to learn and gain experience with them. And I am still on an emotional roller coaster.
He calls it The Epic of Eight Months. I call it something different.........
I call it The Best Time of My Life. I call it My True Love. I call it Pain. I call it Living. I call it I Wish I Could Take Back Some of the Things I Said and Did. I call it Learning. I call it I Still Love You.
Yes... I just openly admitted that. Despite what I told myself, despite what happened, despite what's going on... I am Fucked Up and I know it. I screwed up and I know it. I know it........ I know it..... He's one thing... but you, you were different. You understood me... you paid attention. You wanted to be around me all the time..... You loved me right. But you also hurt me time and again. And again and again and again. But I still loved you. Still Love you. Despite our breakup.... despite what I told myself.... I realized I lied. So yes... I am a liar. I am a cheater. Not that I cheated on you, but I cheated myself. Out of you. He is great, don't get me wrong... and he's opened my eyes to a whole new Me. I am more outgoing and know more about Life than you will ever understand.... I am even shocked by it. I have been through things that no one should have to go through in these past nearly 3 months.... no, he doesn't abuse me, but my eyes have been opened wider because of the ordeals I have faced. Life hits hard. Pain hits harder. I don't know why I feel the way I do... all I know is that it wrenched what was left of my heart out when you told me I was poison to you... that I was toxic and that you wanted nothing to do with me, wanted no part of me in your life. You WERE my Life... my world... and I let you slip through my fingers..... I know what everyone else thinks of you, feels about you, and how they would react if we ever got back together.... but I know that will never, ever, every happen, because of certain decisions on my part that go against your beliefs. As I told a friend, I'd have a better chance of being eaten by a shark than getting back together with you....
I just can't believe all that's happened... Do I regret? No. Do I miss you? Every damn day and night. He is my sanity from that, he's what keeps me busy, what keeps me from drifting off into a reminiscent mood that usually ends with diamonds on the floor, or stains on a pillowcase. I. Can't. Be. Alone. Not now.... not ever. I miss you too much and I want you back, but that will never be..... not even God could bring us back together, I feel. Because that's how it seems... you don't hate me, but you won't touch me ever again.... and I know I fucked up... I know it big time. And yet, I still want you. Why must you always want what you can't have? Life's not fair, I've known this for years now... but what is also not fair is the fact that I can't even have a little bit of you in my life like you used to be... because of the pain I caused you that I swore I would never bring upon you. I gave you a promise, and I broke it. But the one promise I haven't broken, you want me to... I told you I would always love you.... so far, that's held true. Even when I told myself I hated you... I immediately ate my words. I could never hate you. Ever. Even when you called me a whore... I couldn't do it. I can't.
By now, you've probably stopped reading this... I don't blame you if you did.... but in the event that you are still here, reading this heartfelt entry, wondering how you could have possibly dated me (if that's what you're thinking)..... I want you to know that I mean every word I've typed thus far. And continue to type. I do love you, Michael. Why I still love you, I have no idea. I know I shouldn't... I know it's wrong of me... but I can't explain why I do. And as for him... well.... he knows I still care... knows I still hurt. I love him too.... but I loved you first. And I loved you more. I know that's messed up of me, but it's true....and I'm just coming to realize it. I don't even know what sparked all of this.... all I know is that tonight, I was laying in my bed waiting for someone to text me, because I wasn't going to go over to his house tonight. He said we were seeing too much of each other, so before I pushed him away, I decided to give him space. I was laying there thinking to myself how things with him had started to change recently, and how he wasn't acting the same towards me as he used to. Granted, a lot has gone on, but he still was treating me differently. I was thinking of how he kissed me, touched me, and cared for me, when your face and memories of us would pop into my head. I remembered your gentle touch... your caress... your husky voice you'd get every now and again... and that fire in your eyes. I recalled how you held my hand, how you'd touch my hair, poke my nose.... and make cute and ridiculous faces at me. I remembered your funny voices and quirps. I remembered everything..... everything. And no matter how hard I tried to get you out of my head, no matter how hard I tried to think of him..... you kept coming back. And that's when it hit me. And believe me.... it hit me with the weight of the world.
Do you care? I doubt it. I know I would like to believe you do.... that you still love me... that some part of you feels the way I do and would like to take me back.... but I know you don't. I don't know why I waste time when nothing is going to result from it but more pain and heartache. Maybe it's because I really do love you, Michael. Just maybe.
You'll probably never talk to me after this.... I wouldn't blame you. It'd kill me... but I'd know the reason why you act how you do towards me.
You say I'm poison to you... You're poison to me. But you're poison in the matter of I can't live without you...
Your cruel device
Your blood, like ice
One look could kill
My pain, your thrill
I want to love you but I better not touch (Don't touch)
I want to hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I want to kiss you but I want it too much (Too much)
I want to taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running through my veins
You're poison, I don't want to break these chains
Your mouth, so hot
Your web, I'm caught
Your skin, so wet
Black lace on sweat
I hear you calling and it's needles and pins (And pins)
I want to hurt you just to hear you screaming my name
Don't want to touch you but you're under my skin (Deep in)
I want to kiss you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running through my veins
You're poison, I don't wanna break these chains
Poison
One look could kill
My pain, your thrill
I want to love you but I better not touch (Don't touch)
I want to hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I want to kiss you but I want it too much (Too much)
I want to taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running through my veins
You're poison, I don't wanna break these chains
Poison
I want to love you but I better not touch (Don't touch)
I want to hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I want to kiss you but I want it too much (Too much)
I want to taste you but your lips are venomous poison, yeah
I don't want to break these chains
Poison, oh no
Runnin' deep inside my veins,
Burnin' deep inside my veins
It's poison
I don't wanna break these chains
Poison
Countless times I have listened to that song.... and every time you said I was toxic to you, this came to mind.
Why must we subject ourselves to this pain? Isn't there any antidote? For us both??
My phone is on 24/7..... sometimes I stare at it, waiting for you to call me. Or text me. But I know they won't come.
Maybe you'll surprise me. Who knows... because I sure as hell don't. "They say they want a revolution... well, we all just want to change the world."
