Sometimes, one cannot help but think about their past and the long, hard road they took to get to the point in their life that they are currently at; it's human nature. We are faced with numerous decisions each and every day, and each decision that we make, we must be able to live with the consequences that ensue. Our pasts are not meant to haunt us, but rather are meant to teach us lessons. We as a human race collectively have regrets that we like to tuck away into the deepest corners of our mind, concealed by other, happier memories and sealed with lock and key. It is only natural to feel this way. I myself have quite a few things that I am not proud of, but then I sit back and think of how different my life would be right now if I had not done those things, and sometimes, the answer surprises me. It's not a question of "life would be better if..." but more of a statement and thought that life would just be different. We hold in our own eyes, mind, and heart the idea of what would be "better" essentially; it is this ideal that forms doubt. I say, don't doubt the past or the future, live for the moment and decide what you want now, here, today, this very moment- because it is that decision that will shape you and then, after it is made, becomes a part of your past, so you may continue learning and shaping your future, one decision at a time.
---------------------
Michael, you are amazing in every way, shape, and form. I cannot thank God enough for the relationship that you and I have. Though we've been through Hell and back, it seems like there is nothing to stop us from our goal of continual love and support for each other; not even the Devil himself. Life may throw obstacles left and right, but when you're in love, anything is possible, especially if you have Faith. Fight your battles as they come, but just know (as you already do) that I am always going to be here for you, Mike- as your lover and your friend.
Always.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
A Quarter-Year
I have spent exactly a quarter of 2009 with Michael. Our three-month was yesterday... a long, amazing three months. A quarter of a year. It took me a while to realize that fact... Mike apparently had figured that out ::way:: before I did... Math Whiz. Anyways, things have been pretty interesting of late. Stress has taken a severe toll, but it is something that I have come accustomed to feeling as time goes on. Between trying to pay bills, get school in order, and maintain a serious relationship, I have family matters to worry about, my weight loss issue, and physical health issues induced by stress plaguing me. Not very fun or easy to deal with, let me tell you; throw PMS into that and you have a recipe for Chernobyl.
Had a job interview the other day... thought it went well... I find out later this upcoming week if I got the position or not. Then I have until Saturday to come up with $100 to open a bank account and deposit the money so I can pay Verizon $70 so they don't cut my phone off. And then, on the 29th, my $130 Allstate bill is due... and September 2, the rest of my Verizon bill is due, and that's $100... then factor in school testing ($40) and supplies.... gas ($40 to fill up my tank)... and personal things.. I just can't afford anything. I'm scared I won't start school this year because I am not sure if I can get enough money... I haven't told Mike (or anyone else for that matter) that I feel as though I won't make it, but I have a strong feeling that I won't be able to come up with enough to pay my tuition in full... even with loans.
I don't regret coming up here, I really don't. I don't regret anything these past three months. I am only slightly homesick... I miss the country like crazy, and the mountains...especially the mountains.......... but I am adjusting well up North and like it up here. Besides, I wouldn't leave Mike for anything- he completes me. I know we both have come to the conclusion that we would go crazy without the other one. I was actually thinking today about his recent blogs and texts from earlier, and thought of us taking a break--BUT I came to the conclusions that I wouldn't be able to 1) ask that of him, 2) take a break from him, 3) not talk to him or communicate with him, 4) not be able to see him, and 5) that I would drive myself crazy because he wasn't a part of my life anymore... and after realizing those key facts, I calmed down, stopped crying, and called my best friend and talked to Eliza for almost an hour. Afterwards, I felt better; Mike apologized and I went to see him on his break...
Long-windedness is something I know I need to work on, but I just cannot help the fact that writing helps me. I love expressing myself on screen or on paper- it's just how I am.
Going to bed now... it's almost 1:30am and I'm exhausted...
<3
Had a job interview the other day... thought it went well... I find out later this upcoming week if I got the position or not. Then I have until Saturday to come up with $100 to open a bank account and deposit the money so I can pay Verizon $70 so they don't cut my phone off. And then, on the 29th, my $130 Allstate bill is due... and September 2, the rest of my Verizon bill is due, and that's $100... then factor in school testing ($40) and supplies.... gas ($40 to fill up my tank)... and personal things.. I just can't afford anything. I'm scared I won't start school this year because I am not sure if I can get enough money... I haven't told Mike (or anyone else for that matter) that I feel as though I won't make it, but I have a strong feeling that I won't be able to come up with enough to pay my tuition in full... even with loans.
I don't regret coming up here, I really don't. I don't regret anything these past three months. I am only slightly homesick... I miss the country like crazy, and the mountains...especially the mountains.......... but I am adjusting well up North and like it up here. Besides, I wouldn't leave Mike for anything- he completes me. I know we both have come to the conclusion that we would go crazy without the other one. I was actually thinking today about his recent blogs and texts from earlier, and thought of us taking a break--BUT I came to the conclusions that I wouldn't be able to 1) ask that of him, 2) take a break from him, 3) not talk to him or communicate with him, 4) not be able to see him, and 5) that I would drive myself crazy because he wasn't a part of my life anymore... and after realizing those key facts, I calmed down, stopped crying, and called my best friend and talked to Eliza for almost an hour. Afterwards, I felt better; Mike apologized and I went to see him on his break...
Long-windedness is something I know I need to work on, but I just cannot help the fact that writing helps me. I love expressing myself on screen or on paper- it's just how I am.
Going to bed now... it's almost 1:30am and I'm exhausted...
<3
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Feelin' This
Today was uber-long. Woke up, rushed over to Mike's because he wanted to hold me before he went to work, and then took him to work. Came back home, watched most of '27 Dresses' (good movie by the way) and then got a call from Justin, saying that he had set up an interview for me with his dad... I did not want this, so I rushed to get ready, and headed out to talk to Mike. Got side-tracked on the way to N.Y. System by places that were hiring, and so I filled out quite a few apps. today.... Before I ran back to Pawtucket, I ran up and down Mineral Spring Ave. looking for places to apply. Found a cute (and new) cafe- they weren't hiring, but I put my name down for the guy; really nice older man... said he'd give me a call if things did pick up before Labor Day. Ran back to Pawtucket, got ready for tonight, and went back over to Mike's... stayed at his house for a bit, talked with him and Matthew (the two of us played Fashion Police as Mike tried on different outfit combos...fun), and of course, Mrs. Blais when she came home. We left and went into Providence to a club called Roxy.... pretty sweet place- wicked cool atmosphere. Mike and I found another couple and the four of us were the first ones in the club and on the dance floor... we danced nonstop for roughly thirty minutes or so before sitting down for five minutes to rest a bit. Lots of skimpy outfits and dresses... a lot of people came later on ... the place was PACKED. A group or two of lesbians/bisexual girls came and were dancing around us and doing a bunch of sexual things to each other.... pretty interesting. A fight broke out between two black guys... kinda cool to watch; I knew that Mike would want to get and and try to stop it, so I held him back, but he had me because he didn't want me to get hit, and so we kept each other out of harm's way, heheheh. We stayed for almost two hours... dancing 95% of the time. Not bad for a first-time clubber =P Drove Mike home, but took a detour on the way there.... we sure know how to fog up some windows *grins* But... poor thing had a really bad headache afterwards, so he wasn't too happy and just wanted sleep... =( I tucked him in though, so it's all good.
My way home was terrifying. Utterly, blatantly terrifying. I don't think I had ever been as scared in a car as I was tonight. I literally almost peed myself from terror... let alone the near-hypervenalation and fighting back tears and shreaks of panic... I had just pulled up to a stoplight on Branch Ave. a few blocks before the Dunkin Donuts... I heard tires squealing and a lot of noise... suddenly, a car carreens around the corner of the road in front of me, going about 80mph... with no headlights, the hood of the car nearly torn off but was blocking the windshield, the front-end was torn to hell, and the radiator was spewing steam and shit.... I thought for sure he was going to hit me.... but that wasn't the end of it. Behind that car was another car- all black, super-tinted windows, and he was following the guy and was like, right on his ass.... my light turned green and after a split second of 'OH MY GOSH!' mode, I stepped on the pedal, still hearing the car and squealing tires in the distance, and proceeded home... I passed a cop and considered telling him what I had just witnessed, but was just too scared to stop my car.
I made it home safe and sound, a little shaken, but I'm alright. I'll tell Mike about this tomorrow... or later today, technically, since it's 2:16AM.
My way home was terrifying. Utterly, blatantly terrifying. I don't think I had ever been as scared in a car as I was tonight. I literally almost peed myself from terror... let alone the near-hypervenalation and fighting back tears and shreaks of panic... I had just pulled up to a stoplight on Branch Ave. a few blocks before the Dunkin Donuts... I heard tires squealing and a lot of noise... suddenly, a car carreens around the corner of the road in front of me, going about 80mph... with no headlights, the hood of the car nearly torn off but was blocking the windshield, the front-end was torn to hell, and the radiator was spewing steam and shit.... I thought for sure he was going to hit me.... but that wasn't the end of it. Behind that car was another car- all black, super-tinted windows, and he was following the guy and was like, right on his ass.... my light turned green and after a split second of 'OH MY GOSH!' mode, I stepped on the pedal, still hearing the car and squealing tires in the distance, and proceeded home... I passed a cop and considered telling him what I had just witnessed, but was just too scared to stop my car.
I made it home safe and sound, a little shaken, but I'm alright. I'll tell Mike about this tomorrow... or later today, technically, since it's 2:16AM.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Through the Mist
Through the Mist lie shadows
Of the Unknown that lay in wait
Lurking, Searching, Snatching
All the passers-by that take
The Path of Doubt, The Wayward Walk
That keeps their hearts from feeling
Love's True Bliss and Happiness
That God blessed us with in the Beginning.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Of the Unknown that lay in wait
Lurking, Searching, Snatching
All the passers-by that take
The Path of Doubt, The Wayward Walk
That keeps their hearts from feeling
Love's True Bliss and Happiness
That God blessed us with in the Beginning.
I'm tired...so the poem above is probably crap. I don't care right now at this point in time- I can always revise it later, should I choose to do so. Anyway, today started out great- got FiOS TV, Phone, and Internet now... guy came and set it up, wound up giving me a free USB adapter and software for my Desktop computer... that way I can access the Internet from either my Laptop or my Desktop... the latter is giving me Hell, but my old, trusty bucket of crap of a Laptop is doing wonders for me right now... so I'm not complaining too much.
Went outside today to head over to Mike's.... discovered that my car had gotten EGGED sometime during the night... I was NOT a happy camper... drove to his house and washed it... most of it came off- a spot here or there remains.
Got to Mike's house and was greeted by him at his door; he walked out, hugged me, and then walked back towards my car. I figured he wanted me to pull it around, so I went to get in the driver's seat... wrong. He snatched me up so fast and kissed me hard, I had no idea what hit me and I literally was weak afterwards- gotta love his kiss *sigh*... well, that turned into a quick make-out session... My car is very handy, let me tell you. That way, neither of us broke Anna's rule of nothing happens on her property- the car is my property, and was in the street in front of her house, which belongs to the state of RI... so no harm, no foul.
Went over to Italo's afterwards and hung out with him and Raquel for hours... had a lot of fun. Chased geese... played with a water bottle... shared stories... watched Mike and Italo play video games... it was fun.
Something negative happened, however... but I won't dwell on that, because I don't want to, plain and simple. Forgiveness has been granted, and understanding is second nature to me... Thankfully, all is not lost and hopefully, never will be...
I love him so much.
Must go to bed now... Going (possibly) shopping with Raquel later... we're going to Roxy to go dancing with Mike and Italo, and need stuff to wear. I need my sleep- been wanting to go dancing for like, ever.
'Night.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
A New Life
Well, it's been quite a few weeks since I have last blogged... I've been lazy and haven't done it, because I've been too focused on other things in my life right now and have been running myself ragged trying to get them done, so I apologize.
This is my first blog from Rhode Island. August 2nd finally came, and with it, my new life began. Packing all of my stuff wasn't hard at all. Visiting family, I kept myself composed...mostly. Realizing that my last 'free' night in Virginia with Mike was my last 'free' night, I kinda lost it. Realizing that my last day in Virginia was my last day.... and that the next morning, we would be leaving... yeah... I lost it completely standing in the apartment with Mike.
We got up at 4AM and left by 5AM- I drove with Anna up through Maryland and onto the turnpike... then switched and let Theresa drive the rest of the way. We made good time- just over ten hours... we got slowed up due to rain and traffic.
Passed by Quantico on the way up... I wanted to stop by, but knew I wouldn't be fit to drive if we did. I was just happy to pass the Cemetery one more time... sorta some closure, you know? I had stopped by Pop's grave before I left Fredericksburg, but didn't have the gas to drive to Quantico and back to Richmond before leaving... so I didn't get to stop by Grandfather's grave. I know he understands, and that he is with me always...
My favorite part of the trip was a bittersweet one: I can honestly say that I left Virginia. We crossed from DC to Maryland via bridge, and as I reached the top of the bridge, the sun burst out of the clouds and I saw the 'Welcome to Maryland' sign...
Stayed at Mike's that night. Haven't spent a day without seeing him since, heheheh.
Aunt Marta and Uncle Eddie are absolutely amazing. They understand that I want my freedom, but that I also am willing to help out here and there around the house and whatnot. I have a key and permission to come and go as I please... their only rule is that Mike cannot sleep over... yet.... ;)
I went blueberry picking with Aunt Marta a few days ago... it was fun. Then, I went to what's known as Waterfire... it is a really cool event that takes place in Providence- they light basins in the canal on fire using oil and wood, and make a big to-do about it. There's music and bands and vendors, and even a gondola! It's so beautiful... I'm really glad that Mike took me to it. It was quite romantic. Raquel and Italo met us there later that night... we walked all over Providence- I had to take my heels off because they were wearing thin from all of the walking... not fun. We ate at Johnny Rocket's before heading home at 1AM... then Mike and I got up for church the seven hours later. THAT was fun... ;)
Church was good... I am becoming more comfortable with the 'newer' church lifestyle. I guess when you've gone to a 'traditional' church for a long time, you just get used to it.
Mike and I went to the beach- Scarborough, I believe it was called. Nice place. We took the bus after walking all across Providence to catch it (with a cooler, boogie boards, and more in tow)... missed the two buses we needed, and waited for the third one. We got to the beach and spent maybe forty minutes there before getting back on the bus and heading back to Providence. We later spent some time in my car... before grabbing something to eat at the mall and heading home.
Applied for jobs... no luck though. Got accepted at CCRI... but I need a job ASAP or else I won't be able to go.
Hung out with Matthew for a while yesterday... went to Walmart and a few other places... I had needed to be home, but it's whatever... I got to see Mike, so it was all good. He had work for the first day yesterday- got a job at New York System... pretty cool. Played baseball with them both, went swimming with them both, and just had a fun time overall... minus the arguing that had ensued just as I got there and more after I got home later that night. But, the issues are being resolved ever so slightly... I just hope that the feeling I had last night doesn't creep up on me again... not going to bed until 3AM and then waking up at 9AM isn't pleasant, especially when you had nightmares of the one you love leaving you all night.
Justin, Mike's cousin, just texted me, wanting me to call him about a job he had found for me. I need to call his dad tomorrow to discuss it. Ah, it's good to have people- family- that have your back when you need them to. Thankfully, Mike has a big family, heheheh.
Today, Mike and I went to the mall to the movie theaters there. We watched the new 'G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra' movie... pretty sweet film. Then we went to the post office to mail out a package... and then we went to visit my Aunt Florence and Uncle Charlie for a bit. Afterwards, we went to my house to attempt to finish 'The Matrix' (we had started it a day or two ago)... still have 40 mins. left or so. I took Mike home and then came back here. Full day, if I do say so myself.
I get internet tomorrow! *does happy dance* >(^.^)< But... the guy is coming between 8AM and 12PM so... I'm not looking forward to waking up early (-.-) And it's supposed to take 8+ hours to install. I have places to be tomorrow... so I'm having them install the internet first and foremost... since they'll need my computer (because it's a desktop) to install to. Lucky me.
Anyway, going clubbing Thursday night with Mike, Raquel, and Italo.... I'm really looking forward to it ^^ And Friday I really want to go to West Warwick, so that I can see TAPS HQ and possibly Grant or Jason. I've been following them on Twitter... pretty interesting to say the least heheheh.
But now I am going to stop typing... my fingers are sore.
Good night ;)
This is my first blog from Rhode Island. August 2nd finally came, and with it, my new life began. Packing all of my stuff wasn't hard at all. Visiting family, I kept myself composed...mostly. Realizing that my last 'free' night in Virginia with Mike was my last 'free' night, I kinda lost it. Realizing that my last day in Virginia was my last day.... and that the next morning, we would be leaving... yeah... I lost it completely standing in the apartment with Mike.
We got up at 4AM and left by 5AM- I drove with Anna up through Maryland and onto the turnpike... then switched and let Theresa drive the rest of the way. We made good time- just over ten hours... we got slowed up due to rain and traffic.
Passed by Quantico on the way up... I wanted to stop by, but knew I wouldn't be fit to drive if we did. I was just happy to pass the Cemetery one more time... sorta some closure, you know? I had stopped by Pop's grave before I left Fredericksburg, but didn't have the gas to drive to Quantico and back to Richmond before leaving... so I didn't get to stop by Grandfather's grave. I know he understands, and that he is with me always...
My favorite part of the trip was a bittersweet one: I can honestly say that I left Virginia. We crossed from DC to Maryland via bridge, and as I reached the top of the bridge, the sun burst out of the clouds and I saw the 'Welcome to Maryland' sign...
Stayed at Mike's that night. Haven't spent a day without seeing him since, heheheh.
Aunt Marta and Uncle Eddie are absolutely amazing. They understand that I want my freedom, but that I also am willing to help out here and there around the house and whatnot. I have a key and permission to come and go as I please... their only rule is that Mike cannot sleep over... yet.... ;)
I went blueberry picking with Aunt Marta a few days ago... it was fun. Then, I went to what's known as Waterfire... it is a really cool event that takes place in Providence- they light basins in the canal on fire using oil and wood, and make a big to-do about it. There's music and bands and vendors, and even a gondola! It's so beautiful... I'm really glad that Mike took me to it. It was quite romantic. Raquel and Italo met us there later that night... we walked all over Providence- I had to take my heels off because they were wearing thin from all of the walking... not fun. We ate at Johnny Rocket's before heading home at 1AM... then Mike and I got up for church the seven hours later. THAT was fun... ;)
Church was good... I am becoming more comfortable with the 'newer' church lifestyle. I guess when you've gone to a 'traditional' church for a long time, you just get used to it.
Mike and I went to the beach- Scarborough, I believe it was called. Nice place. We took the bus after walking all across Providence to catch it (with a cooler, boogie boards, and more in tow)... missed the two buses we needed, and waited for the third one. We got to the beach and spent maybe forty minutes there before getting back on the bus and heading back to Providence. We later spent some time in my car... before grabbing something to eat at the mall and heading home.
Applied for jobs... no luck though. Got accepted at CCRI... but I need a job ASAP or else I won't be able to go.
Hung out with Matthew for a while yesterday... went to Walmart and a few other places... I had needed to be home, but it's whatever... I got to see Mike, so it was all good. He had work for the first day yesterday- got a job at New York System... pretty cool. Played baseball with them both, went swimming with them both, and just had a fun time overall... minus the arguing that had ensued just as I got there and more after I got home later that night. But, the issues are being resolved ever so slightly... I just hope that the feeling I had last night doesn't creep up on me again... not going to bed until 3AM and then waking up at 9AM isn't pleasant, especially when you had nightmares of the one you love leaving you all night.
Justin, Mike's cousin, just texted me, wanting me to call him about a job he had found for me. I need to call his dad tomorrow to discuss it. Ah, it's good to have people- family- that have your back when you need them to. Thankfully, Mike has a big family, heheheh.
Today, Mike and I went to the mall to the movie theaters there. We watched the new 'G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra' movie... pretty sweet film. Then we went to the post office to mail out a package... and then we went to visit my Aunt Florence and Uncle Charlie for a bit. Afterwards, we went to my house to attempt to finish 'The Matrix' (we had started it a day or two ago)... still have 40 mins. left or so. I took Mike home and then came back here. Full day, if I do say so myself.
I get internet tomorrow! *does happy dance* >(^.^)< But... the guy is coming between 8AM and 12PM so... I'm not looking forward to waking up early (-.-) And it's supposed to take 8+ hours to install. I have places to be tomorrow... so I'm having them install the internet first and foremost... since they'll need my computer (because it's a desktop) to install to. Lucky me.
Anyway, going clubbing Thursday night with Mike, Raquel, and Italo.... I'm really looking forward to it ^^ And Friday I really want to go to West Warwick, so that I can see TAPS HQ and possibly Grant or Jason. I've been following them on Twitter... pretty interesting to say the least heheheh.
But now I am going to stop typing... my fingers are sore.
Good night ;)
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