will trust me anymore. That's not what I want at all! I should have just not said anything.

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want to make sure he's alright. Mike and I brought back memories by dancing and kissing and stuff outside in the rain <3 He is My Everything. Goodnight- work tm

rather hard things right now, especially sexually. But I'm in control so I am alright. Feel bad because I stepped on Peanut tonight trying to find my keys- I

This has been a week full of physical pain and personal trials. Thanks to Cousin Flow, or the lack thereof as I am over a month behind- I am going through some

Car died today...poor Avery. Matthew can't look at it for 6 days. Work was steady. Mike came in <3 He means the world to me. Bedtime now. Goodnight.

FML

I'm so sick of trying to hold back, trying to behave for my own sake. I just want to let loose. I don't care anymore.... but even that statement is contradictory. I do care. I care about him. I care what he thinks, how he feels, what goes on in his head. There's an animal in me that's frantically tearing my insides apart trying to bust out, but I keep it at bay behind a facade of silver bars, because I care. I need help. I need sleep. I don't need to have my keys stuck in the door, or think that I locked them in my car; I don't need stupid fucking demons from my past haunting my present. So I got curious and checked up on someone, and found out more than I needed to know- big deal. It happens. I just didn't know I'd be picking up a poltergeist that is now pelting me with memories left and right. Fuck it. And fuck them- him... and no, NOT Michael... not the one that I love and would die for, but for those who hurt me so badly in the past... who continue (apparently) to not change. Fuck THEM. HIM.

I'm going to bed. I have to get up early again for work. But right now, I'm smiling slightly because of Mike, and the love that I have for him and that he has for me. Goodnight.

A Walk in the Park

Today was an amazing day. I snagged Mike up around 7:15 this morning and brought him back to my Aunt and Uncle's... we cuddled and (I) slept in my bed together for the first time since August 1st. It was so nice to have him holding me like he was, and to just feel his warmth radiate throughout the blankets and the bed, and into the very depths of my being. I missed that so much. I fell asleep quite like a baby, that is, until we got distracted. Let's just say that Mike and I reached New Heights today, and we'll call it at that. So. Later, I received some bad news about my parents, specifically my mother. She had tripped and fell due to a mole-hole and when she did so, something in her ankle snapped, so they think she tore a major tendon or ligament; she goes to the doctor on Monday; she might need surgery. And the bank is foreclosing on their second mortgage, so they're going to lose the house. Dad still hasn't been hired by anyone yet... keeps being told he'll find out in a few weeks, yet no one calls him back. My thoughts and prayers are with them, as they have been. Grandmother called me tonight. She's out ghost hunting... found out today that the Halloween party I wanted to go to with Mike up in New Hampshire (it's different being able to actually traverse state lines in less than an hour, heheh) at the Spalding Inn, hosted by Jason and Grant from TAPS, is 21+ only. Go effin' figure. Two and half more years... ugh. So not fair. Also know my Halloween costume- which I am making myself. I'm going to be an Elven Princess, like my Dungeons & Dragons character Ryyder...pretty sweet ideas I have. Mike may be my Rogue... *sigh; smile* Anyway, Mike and I helped my Aunt make Perogis- I know have the recipe and will make them sometime... they're really simple and Oh, so Delicious. Afterwards, him and I took Dixie for a walk through the park, and then after cuddling some more, we took a walk ourselves through the woods. Almost got lost, and almost got bogged down in a swamp, but we managed, thanks to my handy dandy navigational skills in the woods *smiles* But Mike lead most of the way, so credit to him as well *raspberry*. I'm tired, and VERY sore now, and I have the makings of sweet dreams formulating in my head already, and so, without further adeiu, I bid thee goodnight until the morrow, and pleasant dreams to all who slumber.

The Elizabethan period was so elegant *sigh*.

Exhaustion

I despise being emotional all the time... so many peaks and troughs... too many tears, not enough smiles... not being able to find the right words to say to convey yourself, so you turn to writing and music. Yeah.. I hate it. Especially when you don't know why you're emo in the first place. Or you have a vague idea, but you don't know EXACTLY why you feel the way you do... it sucks.

I'm currently in that state- have been for the last three days. The only things I can contribute it to is that I'm saddened that I can't go to school this semester, worried over my relationship and how things are changing now that Mike's in school and I'm not, and now that we both have jobs, it's going to be tougher to spend time together like we're so used to. Add past memories and recent events to that, and maybe that's just a bit of what's going on.

Also found out tonight that my entire family back in VA wants my Grandfather to bring me back Home to them, that they never wanted me to leave VA and move to RI in the first place. I'm not homesick... I'm happy here... I plan on visiting for Holidays, but it's just so aggravating because though I'm happy, they can't be happy for me.

And now there's this:
"whenever you find you, tell me where you are so I can go get you and bring you back, cause I miss you"

That made me cry, but what really broke me was the message that followed:
"i see her every so often, in your laugh, in your gaze, in your smile, in your touch"

I just want this all to stop. Now. I'm tired of feeling the way I've been and not knowing exactly why, or what to do to change it. I'm tired of being the reason that Mike's and mine relationship is so fragile in my eyes, due to my over emotional state. I'm tired, period... and I'm not going to stand for this anymore.

One Love, Two Souls

I love him.

Understanding

Reading previous entries opens up a lot of emotions- both positive and negative in nature. Jealousy flared, but I quickly quelled it's flame; there's no since in getting jealous over something that occurred in the past that you cannot change, because God had yet to introduce you into that part of Life. However, in reading about past events, it's hard to deal with similarities that have been deduced with your own eyes, that you have read and understood the emotion and pleas, and yet cannot do anything but continue reading, for it is all in the past. Even though questions arose and a slight bout of hurt arose, the feelings have been quelled and will not be brought up for discussion- it is only fair.

And yet, when you come upon the not too distant past, and you re-read events and laugh and smile aloud in your room at quarter to one in the morning, and you think back to those days and nights spent together there, you cannot help but be happy and thankful again. <3

I seriously need to go to bed before 1am... I've got a six-minute window at the moment- I can make it.
'Night.

Overdrive

Today was eventful, and a good day overall. I started my job at Eco Laundry Works; it went qutie well and I am going to really enjoy working there. I went over to Mike's Uncle Stanley's house afterwards for a Labor Day cookout. TONS of people... there are too many faces and names for me to remember. Played Nerf with Mike and some of the younger boys...we went into the woods and I was able to track Mike, which was pretty fun, and then we played around the neighborhood block. Went back to Mike's house and just hung out in his room for a while. He's working on a Tic Tac Toe game and it's coming along quite nicely- he's only got a few more hours worth of coding before it's finished.

I have a problem. Why my hormones have to be on overdrive all the time now, I have no idea. But I've made some deductions- Mike makes me go into a hormone frenzy nine times out of ten, and during that 90% of the time when I'm like "I'm gonna jump him right here" it usually doesn't turn out the way my body hopes...and usually leaves my mind in an annoyed state, not to mention make me emotional. So, conclusion? I need to tone down the hormones. It's really hard though when you're in love with someone whose mind is utterly brilliant, heart and soul are the most beautiful you've ever laid eyes upon, and whose body surpasses Adonis' in all areas and then some. But the relationship that him and I have is NOT about the physical... we're not about sexual acts and whatnot. We never have been, and never will be. *sigh* I just can't have that feeling all the time... I mean, it's a great feeling, a grand feeling, but I can't walk around that aroused all the time. It's not good. Or maybe it is, I don't know.

He told me he would die for me. The other night as we were laying in bed, he said that. I would die for him, as well... and he bloody well knows it. Him and our kids, when we have kids.... I'd do anything for him- give up all I had and then some. He knows this <3

Bedtime now.