Mike just farted.
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Yeah, Jake just 'No Balls'-ed me to post that. So ha. My non-existant cahones are bigger than his =P
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Today was a lot of fun... After going to church with Mike (which, I am glad to say, I had no coughing fit ^^) I took him to the urgent care center down the road a ways, but it was closed because they are trying to get insurance for their new physician, and so I had to take Mike to Charlottesville to Martha Jefferson Urgent Care. They ruled out any sort of bite, but decided he has contact dermatitis- poison oak most likely. Mike was so freaking adorable though on our way into Pantops; he saw a foothill and geeked out. I told him that I would take him to the mountains and he got really excited, but before I took him there I took him down into Pantops so he could see the valley- it was like a kid in a candy store. From there we went to visit my parents, which went well if I do say so myself. We stayed for a little while; I showed Mike some of the property and all of the house, which he seemed to really like. We left my parents' house and headed towards Gordonsville, through Ruckersville, and onto Skyline Drive. Mike was taking pictures like every two seconds it seemed... it was so cute.
Once we got up into the mountains and onto the drive, I stopped at quite a few overlooks and got out with Mike so I could see his reactions. He loved the vistas and the vivid contrasts in the mountain range hues. He also loved the breeze that was blowing all day long. At some point on the way up, he told me he wouldn't mind if I came to Rhode Island with him in July for the few days he was there... I told him I would love to go. It was a gorgeous day overall... We walked the meadow for a bit, dodging the puddles and marshy areas due to recent rainfall, and I took him up to the Wayside for a blackberry ice cream sundae. We also ate fries. Both were delicious, and Mike really enjoyed the sundae. I took him to the Lodge after we left the wayside, and I made him sign the guestbook with me *grins* We walked outside the lodge and I showed him the valley, which he was amazed with. Blackrock Summit was our next stop, right down the road from the main lodge. We ran into a millipede, which was cool. Mike was fascinated with it. When we reached the summit, I saw his eyes light up... we took pictures and sat and overlooked the valley and watched birds soaring and just enjoyed each others' company... then we went exploring, heheheh. We declared 'our' spot and sat in sweet solitude for quite some time before continuing our excursion down the mountain and onto more rocks. We found a rock, a nice flat boulder, and just laid there for what seemed like hours, though it was only maybe ten, fifteen minutes tops. Making out on a lichen covered boulder at 3500 feet above sea level in a forest with a thirty foot drop awaiting you should you fall off of the rock is an exhilarating experience <3 It took us a very long time to actually go back down to the parking lot, mainly because Mike did not want to leave the summit or our spot... He really is like a wolf- lithe and spry and smooth and sly, powerful, protective, and seductive; his eyes take on an animalistic quality that I just cannot deny a feast- a dangerous position to take because I am exposing my vulnerabilities to the wolf in him as I succumb to the feelings the look imbues within me. Not that I'm complaining.... =) I also took Mike to Franklin Cliffs to see MY rock- it was so beautiful because we had the sun behind us and a man was kind enough to take our picture and it turned out all silhouetted and I love it <3 We also went through the meadow again and saw a whole bachelor group of bucks- nine to be exact. It was so cool because they came within ten feet of us- Mike had a blast and wanted to pet one, lol. I managed to talk him out of it. We watched the partial sunset at the usual sunset-watching spot just past the meadow, before heading home and wound up watching the rest of the sunset at another overlook. It was really special to me, because I really felt as though, well, now I can't explain it... but it was an amazing feeling. We headed home after watching the sunset, and I had to have Mike drive back from the end of the Drive to Gordonsville because my eyesight was acting up and wouldn't adjust to the light the right way. We switched back at the 7-Eleven in Gordonsville and I drove the rest of the way home on 64. I did fine- but now I'm tired and need to read what Mike commented on... *furrows brows* He sighed quite a bit and it worried me.... He told his mom that I live with them... She seemed cool with it according to Mike; I only hope that she likes me in the event that we meet... Anyways, tomorrow we get our fish ^^ And get to make orgasmic garlic bread, lol. But now I'm retiring for the evening... so 'night.
By the way, I'm really glad that I got to take Mike up to the mountains...I'm honored that I got the chance to introduce that to him, and share that experience with him that I know he will never forget.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
A Path Uncovered
These last few days have been something...else.... Today Mike and I went to the pet store to look at fish; we didn't buy anything, but we did hold cute fuzzy animals <3 We're going back tomorrow to actually buy the Beta fish we were looking at... they'll be our first pets together, lmao. I swear, some days it really feels as if the two of us are married *sigh* Not that I'm complaining, because I'm not... in fact, quite the opposite. He told me something extremely interesting this morning... it didn't upset me as much as it intrigued me and just really made me curious as to how things would have gone or how things are going to go now that I'm here and all.... he said that, depending on a major factor (of which he has now been aware of for over two weeks) he would have proposed to me come August. I may only be eighteen, just out of high school and getting ready to really experience life firsthand, but I know that I want to spend my life with him; together, him and I just feel, well, right... meant to be... destined to be together.... it's quite amazing really. I wouldn't mind it one bit, in all honesty. And though I do not expect him to ask me to go home with him, I don't think I would mind. Sure, my family's here in Virginia, but life is an adventure waiting to happen, or a forest waiting to be explored and blazed with trails. That trail is one I would not mind walking, especially because I wouldn't be walking alone.
Off to bed now; church in the morning with Mike...then a trip to the clinic and then the pet store.
Bedtime does not exist for me any longer *smirks*
Off to bed now; church in the morning with Mike...then a trip to the clinic and then the pet store.
Bedtime does not exist for me any longer *smirks*
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Three Guys, One Girl, an X-Box 360, and Lots of Empty Plastic Bottles
It's almost five o'clock as I am sitting here, in the dark, on the floor, in front of my futon- watching my lovely roommates lounge around: Mike and Stephen were playing Rainbow Six Vegas 2, Jake was on the couch, and I was reading my book. Jake and I got into a bottle fight with like, six empty bottles that were just randomly laying around the apartment (after we had already gotten into a BB fight- again)... Now it's quarter to eight and Stephen's at work... Jake, Mike, and I went to Walmart, Jake made dinner (which was really yummy), and the three of us watched Tropic Thunder. I had never seen it before, but I thought it was pretty funny. Mike and Jake are playing Halo 3 now- I've never played that particular game, though I have played Halo before on the computer. I wasn't beast at it, but I wasn't a n00b either- I did kick some ass =P
I am going over to Mom and Dad's tomorrow and staying the night there. It'll be interesting, but I have a good feeling about it. Besides, I am getting the car and my cell phone back, so I'm happy. And I'll get to visit with my family... from the vibes I've been getting from the emails and the latest phone call things sound fairly peaceful. Worse case scenario, I just call Eliza and have her take me over to her house or back to Short Pump- but that's only if things get bad, which I don't think will happen; it's just nice to have a back up plan in the event that I'm wrong.
I spent the night with Mike last night for the first time in what seemed like a very long time... Thursday night I was at Eliza's, Friday night we stayed at Eliza's, Saturday I did sleep with him though, but Sunday night I slept on the futon. I enjoy spending the night with him in his room, he makes me feel secure. I hate making him feel bad though when we don't sleep together; I don't want to come across as clingy or whatever, and now I'm ranting and going off on wild tangents. Wow. Ok. So. Back to my train of thought... I understand completely that he needs his space sometimes, we all do, so it's really not a big deal if I have to sleep alone on the futon in the living room.
Last night, the two of us looked through pictures together. Heh, I had asked him about his home in Rhode Island... he showed me pics of his family, pets, and the state. It was nice, spending time like that... though we know each other really well, we still have a lot to learn and discover; it's what makes a relationship fun, though... you never stop learning about each other... We had an interesting experience though. While we were talking, he had mentioned something about August and how it's easier for him to not talk to girls he'd been involved with for a few months post break up. I can't do that... I couldn't do that. Granted, Andrew and I went almost a year not talking, but I didn't love Andrew... I love Mike. And I know I'm pouring my heart out right now, and I know Mike's going to read this later tonight, and what I'm about to say should probably be put in my private journal instead, but I just am going to be defiant and type it anyway. I don't want to dwell on August. I don't want to think about it at all. It's always there, in the back of my mind, like a bad stomach ache that won't go away. I try not to think about it, because I don't know how it will end; I know how I'd like it to end, but the reality is that it won't... I can't be selfish. I can't go with him, and he can't stay here. It'd be too much for me to ask him to stay; who am I to keep him from his family and school when he has been making plans for months prior to meeting me and prior to our relationship? The answer is simple: I'm a nobody, plain and simple. *sigh* We had another emotional encounter this morning, which resulted in him cuddling me and holding me as I cried and he comforted me while I relived my past mistakes. I don't know why I can be so trusting with him, so open, so revealing... I can only attribute it to my emotions and the hold he has on my heart. As he said last night, he's stolen my soul <3 The thing is, I don't want it back. I want him to have it, and so I'm not going to fight for it come August. Come what may, what happens happens, and that's that.
Something weird has been happening though... the last few times I've slept with Mike, I've been talking in my sleep-- that NEVER happens. Well, unless you get my mom, my brother, my grandmother, and myself all within earshot of each other- the four of us will carry on convos in our sleep...
I've also been having random dreams... nothing that I can really remember, just random tidbits here and there, but they're all different and all of them intrigue me.
Well, I am going to get off of here now. I have an hour before I can call my parents and grandmother without costing Mike minutes. He's so good to me <3
I am going over to Mom and Dad's tomorrow and staying the night there. It'll be interesting, but I have a good feeling about it. Besides, I am getting the car and my cell phone back, so I'm happy. And I'll get to visit with my family... from the vibes I've been getting from the emails and the latest phone call things sound fairly peaceful. Worse case scenario, I just call Eliza and have her take me over to her house or back to Short Pump- but that's only if things get bad, which I don't think will happen; it's just nice to have a back up plan in the event that I'm wrong.
I spent the night with Mike last night for the first time in what seemed like a very long time... Thursday night I was at Eliza's, Friday night we stayed at Eliza's, Saturday I did sleep with him though, but Sunday night I slept on the futon. I enjoy spending the night with him in his room, he makes me feel secure. I hate making him feel bad though when we don't sleep together; I don't want to come across as clingy or whatever, and now I'm ranting and going off on wild tangents. Wow. Ok. So. Back to my train of thought... I understand completely that he needs his space sometimes, we all do, so it's really not a big deal if I have to sleep alone on the futon in the living room.
Last night, the two of us looked through pictures together. Heh, I had asked him about his home in Rhode Island... he showed me pics of his family, pets, and the state. It was nice, spending time like that... though we know each other really well, we still have a lot to learn and discover; it's what makes a relationship fun, though... you never stop learning about each other... We had an interesting experience though. While we were talking, he had mentioned something about August and how it's easier for him to not talk to girls he'd been involved with for a few months post break up. I can't do that... I couldn't do that. Granted, Andrew and I went almost a year not talking, but I didn't love Andrew... I love Mike. And I know I'm pouring my heart out right now, and I know Mike's going to read this later tonight, and what I'm about to say should probably be put in my private journal instead, but I just am going to be defiant and type it anyway. I don't want to dwell on August. I don't want to think about it at all. It's always there, in the back of my mind, like a bad stomach ache that won't go away. I try not to think about it, because I don't know how it will end; I know how I'd like it to end, but the reality is that it won't... I can't be selfish. I can't go with him, and he can't stay here. It'd be too much for me to ask him to stay; who am I to keep him from his family and school when he has been making plans for months prior to meeting me and prior to our relationship? The answer is simple: I'm a nobody, plain and simple. *sigh* We had another emotional encounter this morning, which resulted in him cuddling me and holding me as I cried and he comforted me while I relived my past mistakes. I don't know why I can be so trusting with him, so open, so revealing... I can only attribute it to my emotions and the hold he has on my heart. As he said last night, he's stolen my soul <3 The thing is, I don't want it back. I want him to have it, and so I'm not going to fight for it come August. Come what may, what happens happens, and that's that.
Something weird has been happening though... the last few times I've slept with Mike, I've been talking in my sleep-- that NEVER happens. Well, unless you get my mom, my brother, my grandmother, and myself all within earshot of each other- the four of us will carry on convos in our sleep...
I've also been having random dreams... nothing that I can really remember, just random tidbits here and there, but they're all different and all of them intrigue me.
Well, I am going to get off of here now. I have an hour before I can call my parents and grandmother without costing Mike minutes. He's so good to me <3
Monday, May 25, 2009
A New Chapter Begins... as an old book closes...
Well, my life has changed forever.
Tuesday May 19, 2009 began the newest chapter in my life; mom and dad finally broke and kicked me out (although I went willingly), a phone call to Jake was made, and three hours later I was in Short Pump with Jake, Mike, and Stephen in my new home. Yes, Home.... As Mike said, "Home is where the heart is, so this has been your home for a while." Oh how right he is... It has been only five days since I've moved in, and already it feels like I've been here forever. My new family- that's what Jake, Stephen, and Mike are to me, family- has been so supportive and understanding and so much more than I could ever have asked them to be... from just taking me in on a whim to taking care of me as I've been sick, giving me rides home and medicine and back rubs and whatnot, and even long discussions about life and the possibilities of the future.
Thursday May 21, 2009 was a very happy day, and a day that opened a whole hall of doors that are one by one being opened and explored. Mike asked me out Thursday morning, as we were lying in his bed talking and whatnot. Naturally, I said yes; he's only what I've been waiting, hoping, and praying for since like, forever. But that day also allowed me to get something off of my chest that had been stewing for a long time- before, I could admit this thought only in my mind. I could not verbalize it to anyone, yet I could say the same words in a different context to different people and have no problem doing so. And yet, that day the blocks came down, and I was finally able to say that I loved him... that I love Mike.. and the best part is that he loves me, too... he said it when we went to watch the sunset on our hill... I just smiled and kissed him and told him that I loved him, too. I know it was a huge deal for him to admit that to me, and I know that it took a lot. We don't say it often, because we want it to be special- each time we say it we want it to feel like the first time we heard those words.... but I know how he feels because it radiates from him like the rays from the sun; I can see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice, and feel it in his touch. I also hear it in his thoughts... the connection that him and I have is spectacular, and unlike anything I've ever experienced before; I'm used to having somewhat telepathic bonds with Eliza, or my mother, but never have I had one with a guy-friend, let alone a boyfriend. I find it fascinating the way Mike and I understand each other so deeply, and I am thankful for the bond we have. Hell, I'm thankful for him, period.
Graduation was fun; Eliza picked me up Thursday night and we drove to school Friday morning for rehearsal. We picked up Bobbie and went to CVS and Fabric Hut looking for stuff to decorate our caps before Eliza's parents treated us to a Graduation Lunch at Roma's. From there, the three of us went back to Eliza's house to get my stuff before we met Jake and Mike at the park in Louisa. We hung out there for an hour or so before Eliza and I had to leave to get ready for Graduation at the High School. After the ceremonies, I met up with Grandmother, Uncle, Aunt Netnet, and Mawmaw, courtesy of Mike (I had tried to look for them after I found them in the stadium, but with over 2,000 people there, it was highly chaotic. I introduced Mike to my family, and they all really like him, which made me happy. We said our goodbyes and then headed towards the vehicles. Bobbie rode with Jake over to Eliza's, Stephen followed Jake, and Mike and I rode in Eliza's truck. The truck got stuck on the hill, and had to be pulled out by some guy in a jacked-up truck with a hitch and chains. We all met at Eliza's (after getting gas) and ate ice cream cake, which was uber-yummy. We stargazed (and saw a meteor shower), jumped on the trampoline, zip-lined, ate, ninja-ed, climbed trees, and just had an awesome time overall. We stayed the night there, which was interesting. The six of us were scattered all over Twin's house, heheheh. Saturday, Mike, Bobbie, Eliza, me, and Stephen all went swimming out in Bumpass at Stephen's parents' house... the water was freezing at first, but it was still fun. After Twin and Bobbie (our new Twiplet<3) left for Jemar's party, Stephen took Mike and I down to The Cove to go swimming in Lake Anna.... my first time in the lake ever. Ever. I was a bit of a frady cat at first, but then after some coaxing, and my 'ah, screw it' nature, I decided (probably against my better judgment) to go ahead and go into the slightly radioactive water and swim, risking infection of my piercing and the possibility of an attack from a water moccasin. But it was so much fun after that initial 'fear' went away, and the beauty of the place won me over. Besides, I had Mike and Stephen, which made it so much better. We came home after that, chilled, and then I took some medicine (courtesy of my amazing boyfriend<3) and went to bed.
Sunday May 24, 2009 was another good day. Mike and I went to church; I liked it a lot (except for the fact that I had a coughing fit and an old lady in front of us turned around and handed me a friggin' peppermint like I was the old lady that is almost always coughing during the service... but, that annoyance aside, it was a sweet gesture and one that I was thankful for) and am looking forward to going again this Sunday with him. It's very quaint, but it's welcoming and reminds me of MBC back at my parents' house. We came home and I napped, and then I made fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and corn for dinner. Mike ran out to grab a meat thermometer, and then later we went swimming in the pool for a bit. Stephen brought 'Taken' home and I watched it with him (Mike was tired and so I 'let' him sleep). It was a really good movie. After it was over, I asked Stephen something, and we wound up having a long conversation about a lot of things: Rose, life, the future.... he kinda told me what I had already a) come to known and figure out, and b)what could possibly happen depending on which position I took. I really enjoy talking to him- Stephen is my big brother that I never had, and he's really easy to talk to about things that I normally wouldn't talk to people about. We finally went to bed at quarter after three, at which point in time I had a huge coughing fit and wound up almost puking in Jake's bathroom. Stephen came to check on me and then he helped me get to sleep by patting my back to help loosen up the mucus in my chest. He stayed with me for about fifteen minutes. I slept really good for a few hours, before I wound up coughing again and then used my own remedy (bread and a teaspoon of sugar spread over it) to help me suppress my coughing. Apparently, Mike came out and watched me sleep for a bit, rubbing my arm and head and then kissing my forehead before going back to bed... he's such a sweetheart, and I really do love him. As I'm typing this, he's sitting in front of me, counting my penny collection from Poppy...<3
Today has been interesting to say the least, heheheh. There is somewhat of a joke (though it is extremely serious in nature because the possibility actually exists if everything works out somehow, someway) that Mike and I are 'married' because of quite a few things that pose interesting circumstances. Such as making dinner and only him and I are in the apartment, and he's watching me cook, helping when I ask, and standing behind me rubbing my back and shoulders as I cut up chicken; or saying 'Dear' when I'm in the other room, only to ask me to help him fold and put away his clothes; or, asking me if I can wash his while he's at work; or saying 'be careful' as he's walking out the door to go to work; or the million other things that, since we live together, we have already experienced or are bound to experience. Basically, I played House all day, heheheheh, but I didn't mind. It's been fun, actually...
And now fish sticks are ready, and it's ten til nine, and I'm hungry, so I'm going to go eat now.
Meanwhile, Mike is still counting my pennies-- he'll be a while =P
Tuesday May 19, 2009 began the newest chapter in my life; mom and dad finally broke and kicked me out (although I went willingly), a phone call to Jake was made, and three hours later I was in Short Pump with Jake, Mike, and Stephen in my new home. Yes, Home.... As Mike said, "Home is where the heart is, so this has been your home for a while." Oh how right he is... It has been only five days since I've moved in, and already it feels like I've been here forever. My new family- that's what Jake, Stephen, and Mike are to me, family- has been so supportive and understanding and so much more than I could ever have asked them to be... from just taking me in on a whim to taking care of me as I've been sick, giving me rides home and medicine and back rubs and whatnot, and even long discussions about life and the possibilities of the future.
Thursday May 21, 2009 was a very happy day, and a day that opened a whole hall of doors that are one by one being opened and explored. Mike asked me out Thursday morning, as we were lying in his bed talking and whatnot. Naturally, I said yes; he's only what I've been waiting, hoping, and praying for since like, forever. But that day also allowed me to get something off of my chest that had been stewing for a long time- before, I could admit this thought only in my mind. I could not verbalize it to anyone, yet I could say the same words in a different context to different people and have no problem doing so. And yet, that day the blocks came down, and I was finally able to say that I loved him... that I love Mike.. and the best part is that he loves me, too... he said it when we went to watch the sunset on our hill... I just smiled and kissed him and told him that I loved him, too. I know it was a huge deal for him to admit that to me, and I know that it took a lot. We don't say it often, because we want it to be special- each time we say it we want it to feel like the first time we heard those words.... but I know how he feels because it radiates from him like the rays from the sun; I can see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice, and feel it in his touch. I also hear it in his thoughts... the connection that him and I have is spectacular, and unlike anything I've ever experienced before; I'm used to having somewhat telepathic bonds with Eliza, or my mother, but never have I had one with a guy-friend, let alone a boyfriend. I find it fascinating the way Mike and I understand each other so deeply, and I am thankful for the bond we have. Hell, I'm thankful for him, period.
Graduation was fun; Eliza picked me up Thursday night and we drove to school Friday morning for rehearsal. We picked up Bobbie and went to CVS and Fabric Hut looking for stuff to decorate our caps before Eliza's parents treated us to a Graduation Lunch at Roma's. From there, the three of us went back to Eliza's house to get my stuff before we met Jake and Mike at the park in Louisa. We hung out there for an hour or so before Eliza and I had to leave to get ready for Graduation at the High School. After the ceremonies, I met up with Grandmother, Uncle, Aunt Netnet, and Mawmaw, courtesy of Mike (I had tried to look for them after I found them in the stadium, but with over 2,000 people there, it was highly chaotic. I introduced Mike to my family, and they all really like him, which made me happy. We said our goodbyes and then headed towards the vehicles. Bobbie rode with Jake over to Eliza's, Stephen followed Jake, and Mike and I rode in Eliza's truck. The truck got stuck on the hill, and had to be pulled out by some guy in a jacked-up truck with a hitch and chains. We all met at Eliza's (after getting gas) and ate ice cream cake, which was uber-yummy. We stargazed (and saw a meteor shower), jumped on the trampoline, zip-lined, ate, ninja-ed, climbed trees, and just had an awesome time overall. We stayed the night there, which was interesting. The six of us were scattered all over Twin's house, heheheh. Saturday, Mike, Bobbie, Eliza, me, and Stephen all went swimming out in Bumpass at Stephen's parents' house... the water was freezing at first, but it was still fun. After Twin and Bobbie (our new Twiplet<3) left for Jemar's party, Stephen took Mike and I down to The Cove to go swimming in Lake Anna.... my first time in the lake ever. Ever. I was a bit of a frady cat at first, but then after some coaxing, and my 'ah, screw it' nature, I decided (probably against my better judgment) to go ahead and go into the slightly radioactive water and swim, risking infection of my piercing and the possibility of an attack from a water moccasin. But it was so much fun after that initial 'fear' went away, and the beauty of the place won me over. Besides, I had Mike and Stephen, which made it so much better. We came home after that, chilled, and then I took some medicine (courtesy of my amazing boyfriend<3) and went to bed.
Sunday May 24, 2009 was another good day. Mike and I went to church; I liked it a lot (except for the fact that I had a coughing fit and an old lady in front of us turned around and handed me a friggin' peppermint like I was the old lady that is almost always coughing during the service... but, that annoyance aside, it was a sweet gesture and one that I was thankful for) and am looking forward to going again this Sunday with him. It's very quaint, but it's welcoming and reminds me of MBC back at my parents' house. We came home and I napped, and then I made fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and corn for dinner. Mike ran out to grab a meat thermometer, and then later we went swimming in the pool for a bit. Stephen brought 'Taken' home and I watched it with him (Mike was tired and so I 'let' him sleep). It was a really good movie. After it was over, I asked Stephen something, and we wound up having a long conversation about a lot of things: Rose, life, the future.... he kinda told me what I had already a) come to known and figure out, and b)what could possibly happen depending on which position I took. I really enjoy talking to him- Stephen is my big brother that I never had, and he's really easy to talk to about things that I normally wouldn't talk to people about. We finally went to bed at quarter after three, at which point in time I had a huge coughing fit and wound up almost puking in Jake's bathroom. Stephen came to check on me and then he helped me get to sleep by patting my back to help loosen up the mucus in my chest. He stayed with me for about fifteen minutes. I slept really good for a few hours, before I wound up coughing again and then used my own remedy (bread and a teaspoon of sugar spread over it) to help me suppress my coughing. Apparently, Mike came out and watched me sleep for a bit, rubbing my arm and head and then kissing my forehead before going back to bed... he's such a sweetheart, and I really do love him. As I'm typing this, he's sitting in front of me, counting my penny collection from Poppy...<3
Today has been interesting to say the least, heheheh. There is somewhat of a joke (though it is extremely serious in nature because the possibility actually exists if everything works out somehow, someway) that Mike and I are 'married' because of quite a few things that pose interesting circumstances. Such as making dinner and only him and I are in the apartment, and he's watching me cook, helping when I ask, and standing behind me rubbing my back and shoulders as I cut up chicken; or saying 'Dear' when I'm in the other room, only to ask me to help him fold and put away his clothes; or, asking me if I can wash his while he's at work; or saying 'be careful' as he's walking out the door to go to work; or the million other things that, since we live together, we have already experienced or are bound to experience. Basically, I played House all day, heheheheh, but I didn't mind. It's been fun, actually...
And now fish sticks are ready, and it's ten til nine, and I'm hungry, so I'm going to go eat now.
Meanwhile, Mike is still counting my pennies-- he'll be a while =P
Friday, May 15, 2009
Mother's Day-- Old Post
The sea tosses the ship about in the storm, the strong gales steering it further off of its original course. The vessel gets thrown carelessly around, as it rises and falls with the rocking motion of the waves it rides. The sky around the ship is blackened by the nor’easter, blocking out the stars so that no navigational measures can be taken. Lightning crashes all around while thunder cracks overhead. The monsoon-like rains attack the ship’s deck, bombarding the ship with all the force gravity could muster. For days it seems this battle rages on, though it hasn’t even been one since the storm began. For days, the ship is lost at sea; no communication system, no navigational tools, nothing. Can the Captain sail home safely without hurting his crew?
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I went fishing on Sunday- Mother’s Day. It was a lot of fun. The weather was beyond perfect for the day’s activities. We headed out to Culpeper to fish Doug’s pond out at the shop. Steve was there, which was a pleasant surprise. I didn’t find out until last minute that he was going to be there… I haven’t seen him since September of last year… Anywho. I digress. The family and I hung out at the shop for a bit talking to Doug and Steve and Kevin; Brandon tried to tag-team with Steve to tickle me. They backed me into the corner of the shop in between the cabinets and the four-wheelers; not cool. Luckily though, I was able to dodge them, otherwise that would’ve been disastrous for me. And Steve. He would have come out after tickling me looking worse than a he would have if a cat had gotten hold of him, the way my nails are right now…. He showed me his apartment that he’s working on above the shop; It’s coming along nicely. He still has to finish the drywall, add plumbing and light fixtures, the ceiling, finish the flooring, and of course paint. He asked me to come out one day and help him, I told him that I would when I had the chance. After seeing how he cut the drywall, he needs all the help he can get *chuckle* We went back downstairs, Brandon in tow, and then the family and I went down to the pond. Doug came later, and Kevin brought his mom down on his own four-wheeler. I went to my own little spot on the pond and started fishing away from everyone else. Steve had gone joyriding on his four-wheeler for a bit, before joining us down at the pond. He came over and fished next to me. The stupid idiot kept crossing our poles… and naturally it was on purpose. Same old same old… you know how it goes. *smirk* I caught the first fish though- a HUGE catfish, his head was the size of a small cantaloupe. Steve had to help me get him on-shore; I fought the damn thing for nearly 15 minutes…he ended up swallowing my hook. Steve tried to get it out as I held the fish, but to no avail. So we kept the fish for dinner (which, by the way, was delicious). I got a few more bites but caught nothing else. Of course, I had the BIGGEST fish of the day on my line, but just before I could get him so that Steve could get the fish in the net, the line broke. Go figure. We took a snack break after that. It was nice to sit and catch up- I have only talked to him three times since the beginning of February. We both have been extremely busy in this wonderful thing called life. Later, after a brief moment of embarrassment (being a girl sucks, let me tell you), we finished fishing and put our poles and tackle up; mine in my parent’s truck bed and Steve in the Mule’s cargo area. Brandon rode with Doug up to the shop in the Mule; I rode on the four-wheeler with Steve. He was careful, though he did “accidentally” run into mud puddles- I looked like a freaking Dalmatian when we pulled up into the shop and parked. Mom geeked; Dad shook his head and laughed. Steve and I were rolling with laughter though. We cleaned up to the best of our abilities and then spent some more time talking and such. It was a very pleasant day overall. And then my PMS kicked in, sending me in a slight spiral in which I became antisocial and yeah.
To you: Do not fear him. You know where I stand.
-----------
I went fishing on Sunday- Mother’s Day. It was a lot of fun. The weather was beyond perfect for the day’s activities. We headed out to Culpeper to fish Doug’s pond out at the shop. Steve was there, which was a pleasant surprise. I didn’t find out until last minute that he was going to be there… I haven’t seen him since September of last year… Anywho. I digress. The family and I hung out at the shop for a bit talking to Doug and Steve and Kevin; Brandon tried to tag-team with Steve to tickle me. They backed me into the corner of the shop in between the cabinets and the four-wheelers; not cool. Luckily though, I was able to dodge them, otherwise that would’ve been disastrous for me. And Steve. He would have come out after tickling me looking worse than a he would have if a cat had gotten hold of him, the way my nails are right now…. He showed me his apartment that he’s working on above the shop; It’s coming along nicely. He still has to finish the drywall, add plumbing and light fixtures, the ceiling, finish the flooring, and of course paint. He asked me to come out one day and help him, I told him that I would when I had the chance. After seeing how he cut the drywall, he needs all the help he can get *chuckle* We went back downstairs, Brandon in tow, and then the family and I went down to the pond. Doug came later, and Kevin brought his mom down on his own four-wheeler. I went to my own little spot on the pond and started fishing away from everyone else. Steve had gone joyriding on his four-wheeler for a bit, before joining us down at the pond. He came over and fished next to me. The stupid idiot kept crossing our poles… and naturally it was on purpose. Same old same old… you know how it goes. *smirk* I caught the first fish though- a HUGE catfish, his head was the size of a small cantaloupe. Steve had to help me get him on-shore; I fought the damn thing for nearly 15 minutes…he ended up swallowing my hook. Steve tried to get it out as I held the fish, but to no avail. So we kept the fish for dinner (which, by the way, was delicious). I got a few more bites but caught nothing else. Of course, I had the BIGGEST fish of the day on my line, but just before I could get him so that Steve could get the fish in the net, the line broke. Go figure. We took a snack break after that. It was nice to sit and catch up- I have only talked to him three times since the beginning of February. We both have been extremely busy in this wonderful thing called life. Later, after a brief moment of embarrassment (being a girl sucks, let me tell you), we finished fishing and put our poles and tackle up; mine in my parent’s truck bed and Steve in the Mule’s cargo area. Brandon rode with Doug up to the shop in the Mule; I rode on the four-wheeler with Steve. He was careful, though he did “accidentally” run into mud puddles- I looked like a freaking Dalmatian when we pulled up into the shop and parked. Mom geeked; Dad shook his head and laughed. Steve and I were rolling with laughter though. We cleaned up to the best of our abilities and then spent some more time talking and such. It was a very pleasant day overall. And then my PMS kicked in, sending me in a slight spiral in which I became antisocial and yeah.
To you: Do not fear him. You know where I stand.
The Fulcrum
Where do I begin? You ask if I am ready; my answer is not simple, though it should be. Again, our philosophies and outlook on life are invariably similar. That pivotal moment you spoke of, where the scales tip in either one direction or the other, is just out of sight, though it seems to be coming up fast. That crucial point where it seems like you cannot turn back, where it feels like both the whole world is crashing down around you and yet you emerge unscathed due to a shield of pure bliss and the power of what you have found. That point. I have reached that point, and I am currently standing on one foot, trying not to lose my balance. Do not misunderstand what I am saying, however. I am not afraid to fall; I have fallen before, twice actually. And both times I got seriously injured. The first fall, I landed on my head, heart in hand. The concussion that followed left me in a dumbfounded state of mind, but it also kept me semi-unconscious. The dark days, nights, weeks, and months that followed that fall were spent in slow, painful recovery. That first fall took a long time to heal, but I wear my scars well. The second fall I was more fortunate, if you could call it so. At least that time I landed on my back, with only the wind knocked out of me. I was bruised and battered, but I healed and moved on. You mention failure; I know failure. I have experienced failure, and am no stranger to its telltale signs. To me, this, what we have discovered, does not equate to failure. Yet, success is in the eyes of the beholder, much like beauty. But how could two beautiful souls equate to failure? I fail to see how they could. I digress. The point at which we currently stand on the fulcrum is my center right now. Currently, gravity is pulling me in one direction, while my mind and body are trying to cooperate and collaborate to try to keep me where I am attempting to stand. Why? Because though everything I have ever wanted is within my reach, and though my heart beats faster and stronger in matters that concern you, I cannot waiver until I know the one thing that stops me is conveyed and understood. But of course, you do not know this one thing that chains me to where I stand. I want to fall, to jump- leap- soar into your arms; believe me I do. And I know that I am the one who instigated all of this emotion, so forgive me for being hypocritical. I know what I feel is true, without a doubt. I know how I feel is justified. But what I also know is that I don’t want to get hurt again like I did the first time I fell, but it would seem that pain is inevitable; I am bound to fall again that hard, and if not harder, again at some point in my life. That does not make it any easier though to deal with the reality that is slapping me across the face right now. There is but one philosophy that you and I have not yet seen eye-to-eye on, but I do not want to preoccupy our minds by that just yet. In due time, we shall see all of the cards laid out upon the table before us. Slowly the pieces are falling into place; slowly the puzzle is being put together and solved, allowing the beautiful image- the full picture- to be seen and realized.
Yes.
Yes.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
*DISCLAIMER* Long-winded Ranting, Emotional statements, and the L-word
May 14, 2009
The following blog entry contains ranting, highly emotional statements, and discussion of Love. Do not read if you do not wish to absorb the emotion in this entry, as it is hard enough for one person to deal with. I mean it. Do not read if you do not want to experience my pain. This goes beyond the realm of brutal honesty; this is how it is, how I feel. You have been warned.
-----------------------------
My heart cannot be divided into three pieces, it just can't. If it is, I will cease to exist. The fractures and tears that the proverbial organ has received makes it near impossible to feel, but when I do, it is strong and beats like no other. I cannot juggle three people, two of which are leaving me really soon. I can only cherrish the time I have with each of them while I still can.
One is moving to Indiana; he is my closest guy-friend, a friend of two years, and a guy who took me out on an emotional rollercoaster from day one; a guy who took my heart and pulled at it, only to make it better in the end. A guy who broke me again and again, only to sew me back together and make me whole once more. A guy who I fell hard for, and in our relationship that both existed and yet never was, a guy that still has a piece of me and a piece of my heart. That guy admitted that he loves me, that he has loved me, for months- he told me yesterday. All of the emotions are pouring out of my heart and mind and body and soul; tears, nausea, fatigue, adrennaline- all at once. I can't handle it. I can't be with him, it'd kill me. I never fully got over him, I can openly admit that now. But I can't do anything about it. He's one of my best friends for crying out loud! How am I just supposed to cut him out of my life? I can't. I've tried before and failed miserably. We went crawling back to each other, only to end the same way. The up and down and inverted loops and sudden brakes and speed and rush of the rollercoaster are coming to a total stop really soon, and it's going to break me. For over a year I dealt with this feeling, this relationship that though I knew it was not healthy for me to be in- emotionally, at least- I could not stop. He was my drug. We were inseperable. But I was the other woman, and he would not terminate his relationship with the one who I knew treated him like shit, with the one who had him so wrapped around her finger that he was blind, with the one who hurt him constantly, and expected so much more from him than he could provide, and the one who sent him crawling to me, crying on the phone, about how bad she was to him. I would never have treated him the way she did, the way she does. He knows that. But it's too late- he missed his chance and I have found someone better, someone who cherrishes me for who I am and treats me like I should be treated. Someone who will not use me for his own personal gain.
That one is leaving me in August, as well. He goes back up to Rhode Island for a semester of community college before transfering to URI. He makes me so happy... I thought that Jesse made me happy- this blows that happiness out of proportion. I cannot even begin to describe how I feel about Mike. He is so supportive, and he really understands me. We joke around, saying that we must think on the same wavelength because of how well we understand each other. Our thought process is the same, which really comes in handy. He just, gets me. And he strikes me speechless so many times, which is a hard feat to accomplish. I have stated this before, but I honestly do not know what I did to deserve him. Through philosophical discussions, time well spent together, and general conversations, we have already come to be attatched to each other and grown on each other in ways neither of us thought could be possible. I try not to come across so brazen for fear of scaring him off, but he has told me that I cannot do that, that he will not be scared. I have tried not to fall, because I know how it will end, but I can't help myself; I'm falling for him, and I'm falling harder than I fell for Jesse. This fact scares me, because I don't know how I will handle August. I don't know if I will be able to. While we aren't exclusive, we are talking, we are dating, and we know that if we were to get serious, we could make it work and make it work well. He told me that he could see a church in our future; surprisingly that didn't scare me, and even more surprisingly, I agreed. Of course, my education is my top priority, and a lot can happen in four years, but it's the fact that it was said that caught me off-guard. He knows that I'm falling, but I cannot verbalize the words until the time is right, if I can even verbalize them at all. Knowing what I know now about Jesse has taken a serious toll on me- I don't know if I can put myself through that again, especially if my feelings for Mike are already magnified in comparison to how I felt about Jesse. But in the same breath, I don't want to lose Mike. But it's a fact that I will have to face in roughly two month's time.
The final one that is pulling at my heart is no stranger; I have known him for over three years now. Our families know and get along quite well with each other, and both adore the other (ie. his parents love me and mine love him). My parents feel like he is 'the perfect guy' for me, and while they say he may not be 'the one' it is his type that I need to look for. His parents think that I'd be better for their son than the girl he is supposedly talking to/with/whatever, because I am more his type in their eyes. But parent-match-making aside, Steve and I have chemistry. We have had it since we first met. I remember the day well- we had just moved in and our house needed some major electrical work done. Doug, dad's friend, sent his son Steve and his employee Chris out to our house. Dad had warned me that I would find Steve attractive, but what he failed to tell me was that they were going to be at our house at 7AM the next day. I woke up at 9AM, stumbled out into the kitchen in my pajamas, hair thrown up on top of my head and I still hadn't woken up quite yet, when I stopped right in my tracks, took one look at Steve, and ran right back to my bedroom. I yelled at Dad later for quite some time... neither Dad nor Steve let me live that memory down. Or the trashbag incident. Or the telephone pole. Or my sudden 'tongue-tied-ness' that I get when I am around Steve, often resulting in my words jumbling into one huge mess that results in new words being made (ie. "snugged"- snagged & hung, or "snaught"- snagged and caught)- yeah, I get burned all the time for those. Or the fact that my parents joke about Steve and I getting married and them becoming inlaws- THAT'S a HUGE joke between my parents and Doug & Sherryl. Real funny guys...real freakin' funny. Steve and I have a past together, somewhat. It all started last August, a few weeks before I lost my grandfather to cancer. But that is beside the point. The point is that we are just friends now, but that the chemistry between us never truly dissapated. And now I am stuck between a rock and a hard place trying to figure out just what I am going to do, and I don't need any of this because I am trying to deal with college and classes and graduation and life and bills and unemployment and job searching and so I really don't need this right now. It's just a lot to handle, a lot to juggle, and a lot to deal with. I don't know about the future, but I know my past and my present. One day at a time is all I can handle right now...
And if you did decide to read this, I am sorry if I offended you in any way. That was not my intent, nor was it my intent to make you jealous or worried about losing me. Like I told you last night, it is my choice and I choose you. I will deal with the repercussions later, after you have left. Just know that I am willingly yours until you decide that I am no longer.
The following blog entry contains ranting, highly emotional statements, and discussion of Love. Do not read if you do not wish to absorb the emotion in this entry, as it is hard enough for one person to deal with. I mean it. Do not read if you do not want to experience my pain. This goes beyond the realm of brutal honesty; this is how it is, how I feel. You have been warned.
-----------------------------
My heart cannot be divided into three pieces, it just can't. If it is, I will cease to exist. The fractures and tears that the proverbial organ has received makes it near impossible to feel, but when I do, it is strong and beats like no other. I cannot juggle three people, two of which are leaving me really soon. I can only cherrish the time I have with each of them while I still can.
One is moving to Indiana; he is my closest guy-friend, a friend of two years, and a guy who took me out on an emotional rollercoaster from day one; a guy who took my heart and pulled at it, only to make it better in the end. A guy who broke me again and again, only to sew me back together and make me whole once more. A guy who I fell hard for, and in our relationship that both existed and yet never was, a guy that still has a piece of me and a piece of my heart. That guy admitted that he loves me, that he has loved me, for months- he told me yesterday. All of the emotions are pouring out of my heart and mind and body and soul; tears, nausea, fatigue, adrennaline- all at once. I can't handle it. I can't be with him, it'd kill me. I never fully got over him, I can openly admit that now. But I can't do anything about it. He's one of my best friends for crying out loud! How am I just supposed to cut him out of my life? I can't. I've tried before and failed miserably. We went crawling back to each other, only to end the same way. The up and down and inverted loops and sudden brakes and speed and rush of the rollercoaster are coming to a total stop really soon, and it's going to break me. For over a year I dealt with this feeling, this relationship that though I knew it was not healthy for me to be in- emotionally, at least- I could not stop. He was my drug. We were inseperable. But I was the other woman, and he would not terminate his relationship with the one who I knew treated him like shit, with the one who had him so wrapped around her finger that he was blind, with the one who hurt him constantly, and expected so much more from him than he could provide, and the one who sent him crawling to me, crying on the phone, about how bad she was to him. I would never have treated him the way she did, the way she does. He knows that. But it's too late- he missed his chance and I have found someone better, someone who cherrishes me for who I am and treats me like I should be treated. Someone who will not use me for his own personal gain.
That one is leaving me in August, as well. He goes back up to Rhode Island for a semester of community college before transfering to URI. He makes me so happy... I thought that Jesse made me happy- this blows that happiness out of proportion. I cannot even begin to describe how I feel about Mike. He is so supportive, and he really understands me. We joke around, saying that we must think on the same wavelength because of how well we understand each other. Our thought process is the same, which really comes in handy. He just, gets me. And he strikes me speechless so many times, which is a hard feat to accomplish. I have stated this before, but I honestly do not know what I did to deserve him. Through philosophical discussions, time well spent together, and general conversations, we have already come to be attatched to each other and grown on each other in ways neither of us thought could be possible. I try not to come across so brazen for fear of scaring him off, but he has told me that I cannot do that, that he will not be scared. I have tried not to fall, because I know how it will end, but I can't help myself; I'm falling for him, and I'm falling harder than I fell for Jesse. This fact scares me, because I don't know how I will handle August. I don't know if I will be able to. While we aren't exclusive, we are talking, we are dating, and we know that if we were to get serious, we could make it work and make it work well. He told me that he could see a church in our future; surprisingly that didn't scare me, and even more surprisingly, I agreed. Of course, my education is my top priority, and a lot can happen in four years, but it's the fact that it was said that caught me off-guard. He knows that I'm falling, but I cannot verbalize the words until the time is right, if I can even verbalize them at all. Knowing what I know now about Jesse has taken a serious toll on me- I don't know if I can put myself through that again, especially if my feelings for Mike are already magnified in comparison to how I felt about Jesse. But in the same breath, I don't want to lose Mike. But it's a fact that I will have to face in roughly two month's time.
The final one that is pulling at my heart is no stranger; I have known him for over three years now. Our families know and get along quite well with each other, and both adore the other (ie. his parents love me and mine love him). My parents feel like he is 'the perfect guy' for me, and while they say he may not be 'the one' it is his type that I need to look for. His parents think that I'd be better for their son than the girl he is supposedly talking to/with/whatever, because I am more his type in their eyes. But parent-match-making aside, Steve and I have chemistry. We have had it since we first met. I remember the day well- we had just moved in and our house needed some major electrical work done. Doug, dad's friend, sent his son Steve and his employee Chris out to our house. Dad had warned me that I would find Steve attractive, but what he failed to tell me was that they were going to be at our house at 7AM the next day. I woke up at 9AM, stumbled out into the kitchen in my pajamas, hair thrown up on top of my head and I still hadn't woken up quite yet, when I stopped right in my tracks, took one look at Steve, and ran right back to my bedroom. I yelled at Dad later for quite some time... neither Dad nor Steve let me live that memory down. Or the trashbag incident. Or the telephone pole. Or my sudden 'tongue-tied-ness' that I get when I am around Steve, often resulting in my words jumbling into one huge mess that results in new words being made (ie. "snugged"- snagged & hung, or "snaught"- snagged and caught)- yeah, I get burned all the time for those. Or the fact that my parents joke about Steve and I getting married and them becoming inlaws- THAT'S a HUGE joke between my parents and Doug & Sherryl. Real funny guys...real freakin' funny. Steve and I have a past together, somewhat. It all started last August, a few weeks before I lost my grandfather to cancer. But that is beside the point. The point is that we are just friends now, but that the chemistry between us never truly dissapated. And now I am stuck between a rock and a hard place trying to figure out just what I am going to do, and I don't need any of this because I am trying to deal with college and classes and graduation and life and bills and unemployment and job searching and so I really don't need this right now. It's just a lot to handle, a lot to juggle, and a lot to deal with. I don't know about the future, but I know my past and my present. One day at a time is all I can handle right now...
And if you did decide to read this, I am sorry if I offended you in any way. That was not my intent, nor was it my intent to make you jealous or worried about losing me. Like I told you last night, it is my choice and I choose you. I will deal with the repercussions later, after you have left. Just know that I am willingly yours until you decide that I am no longer.
Friday, May 8, 2009
FFA Banquet
The FFA Banquet was a success. It took a lot of preparation to get everything in order, but all in all I had an amazing time. After running myself ragged (literally; I collapsed in Chemistry today and just felt beyond exhausted) helping the Officer Team with cooking, inserts, scheduling, and other things, I am more than pleased with the event. I had to wear official FFA dress of black slacks, white button-up shirt, black heels, FFA tie, and of course, the FFA Jacket; I always love Official Dress because I rarely ever get to wear it and my jacket means a lot to me. My experience tonight was an emotional one; happiness because I won the Chapter Proficiency Award in the Ag. Communications Division, slight embarrassment due to technological difficulties on my behalf in my video presentation (the music began too early and two songs were playing at the same time as a result, but it was only for about fifteen seconds), and sadness since one of our Advisors is relocating out of state, and Whitney and Kaitlyn were making me get all emo and almost start crying; I <3 both of them though… they are both like sisters to me. The FFA really means a lot to me personally, because the Officer Team members were some of the first friends I made when I moved here, Whitney and Kaitlyn in particular. The FFA was and is the only club that I belong to, and I devote myself entirely to it. I even hold a special place on the Team- I’m not an Officer, but I am an Honorary Member and receive about 90% of the same treatment that the actual Officers get. Hard work and dedication go a long way in Life.
------------
The drive home tonight was absolutely beautiful. I had the full moon to my left and a storm in front of me, lightning illuminating the sky like I couldn’t believe. I drove home with the windows down, taking in the night air and feeling the electricity course through it. Even as I sit upon my bed, God’s Fireworks are putting on a gorgeous display to an orchestra of crickets, tree frogs, and thunder.
A soft whisper outside of my window can be heard tonight-
The rain taps gently on the glass,
The wind rustles the leaves on the willow trees,
And a chorus of frogs completes the symphony.
-
Electricity charges up the air;
There’s a storm moving in-
I count the seconds between each flash.
-
Any moment the sky will open up, unleashing its power and fury;
All of it beautiful,
All of it grand.
------------
To the one to whom I owe the current smile on my face, despite the fact of how near exhausted I am; to the one to whom I am writing for, Thank You. If I could hug you at the moment I would. Your words did not hurt me, as I told you earlier. You did not upset me; I am sorry that my own words came across as pained, I was merely frustrated and nearly running on empty, as I am now. Forgive me. I know you are busy tonight, and I hope you are having fun; I just wanted you to know that I was glad that I got to talk to you this evening, even if it was brief. And I am equally glad to discover more about your feelings- I’m not sure how this will come across, but I am figuring that you will understand what I am about to say. Your feelings and emotions present a challenge for me, though I feel that it is a good challenge and one that I simply cannot turn away from. Of course, that last part is almost contradictory, as I never back down from a challenge- it is a part of who I am. Don’t get me wrong, I know my limitations and have set boundaries for myself (yet another contradiction), but when it comes to things that I find and feel pose a real challenge, I just can’t quit and walk away. In a weird way, it’s like a drug, but anyway, I digress. Which reminds me, thank you again for helping me to open my eyes; I have been going blindly down a path with a certain “friend” with whom I thought our relationship was mending; oh how very wrong I was, and it is because of you that I now realize this. I found your incorporation of our conversation last night in your last blog mildly entertaining; your take on it is much the same as mine. I, too, agree that only one thought center can be used at a time- any more than one and you’re overloaded.
--------------
I am going to bed now (or rather, lay in bed and watch and listen to the storm as it continues to roll in from the next county over), as I must get up at 6:00am because we are traveling to see the family tomorrow and are leaving at 7:30; wahoo. Goodnight.
------------
The drive home tonight was absolutely beautiful. I had the full moon to my left and a storm in front of me, lightning illuminating the sky like I couldn’t believe. I drove home with the windows down, taking in the night air and feeling the electricity course through it. Even as I sit upon my bed, God’s Fireworks are putting on a gorgeous display to an orchestra of crickets, tree frogs, and thunder.
A soft whisper outside of my window can be heard tonight-
The rain taps gently on the glass,
The wind rustles the leaves on the willow trees,
And a chorus of frogs completes the symphony.
-
Electricity charges up the air;
There’s a storm moving in-
I count the seconds between each flash.
-
Any moment the sky will open up, unleashing its power and fury;
All of it beautiful,
All of it grand.
------------
To the one to whom I owe the current smile on my face, despite the fact of how near exhausted I am; to the one to whom I am writing for, Thank You. If I could hug you at the moment I would. Your words did not hurt me, as I told you earlier. You did not upset me; I am sorry that my own words came across as pained, I was merely frustrated and nearly running on empty, as I am now. Forgive me. I know you are busy tonight, and I hope you are having fun; I just wanted you to know that I was glad that I got to talk to you this evening, even if it was brief. And I am equally glad to discover more about your feelings- I’m not sure how this will come across, but I am figuring that you will understand what I am about to say. Your feelings and emotions present a challenge for me, though I feel that it is a good challenge and one that I simply cannot turn away from. Of course, that last part is almost contradictory, as I never back down from a challenge- it is a part of who I am. Don’t get me wrong, I know my limitations and have set boundaries for myself (yet another contradiction), but when it comes to things that I find and feel pose a real challenge, I just can’t quit and walk away. In a weird way, it’s like a drug, but anyway, I digress. Which reminds me, thank you again for helping me to open my eyes; I have been going blindly down a path with a certain “friend” with whom I thought our relationship was mending; oh how very wrong I was, and it is because of you that I now realize this. I found your incorporation of our conversation last night in your last blog mildly entertaining; your take on it is much the same as mine. I, too, agree that only one thought center can be used at a time- any more than one and you’re overloaded.
--------------
I am going to bed now (or rather, lay in bed and watch and listen to the storm as it continues to roll in from the next county over), as I must get up at 6:00am because we are traveling to see the family tomorrow and are leaving at 7:30; wahoo. Goodnight.
E·mo·tion [ i mṓsh'n ] (plural e·mo·tions)
noun
Definition:
1. heightened feeling: a strong feeling about somebody or something
2. agitation caused by strong feelings: agitation or disturbance caused by strong feelings
--------------
Blunt is the blade of a dull knife; your mask of brutal honesty is appearant. Fear not, though, for I too am brutally honest. You have not offended me, and I understand perfectly what you have said. Your fear, as I have previously stated, is completely justified. I have already said that I do not want to make you feel that way, like an animal in a trap that would bite his own limb off to be free. I understand, and will not put you through that. Remember, though, that you are not alone in your fear. I cannot even say the word that completes the thoughts I have come to realize. Companionship exists in many levels. I willingly accept this fact and all others that you have previously pointed out, and I want you to know that I am fine with this. I will live my life my way, as you will live yours in your own. You will always be special to me, and of course I will bring you closer to me when you wish to be. No hard feelings exist.
The poetry you write is beautiful- I cannot say that enough. The rhythm just adds to the uniqueness and makes it that much more special. Don't stop writing; just find new ways to become inspired. I shall have my own poems up here shortly, I just need the time.
-----------------------------
FFA Banquet tonight. I am participating and cannot wait. I shall update tomorrow.
noun
Definition:
1. heightened feeling: a strong feeling about somebody or something
2. agitation caused by strong feelings: agitation or disturbance caused by strong feelings
--------------
Blunt is the blade of a dull knife; your mask of brutal honesty is appearant. Fear not, though, for I too am brutally honest. You have not offended me, and I understand perfectly what you have said. Your fear, as I have previously stated, is completely justified. I have already said that I do not want to make you feel that way, like an animal in a trap that would bite his own limb off to be free. I understand, and will not put you through that. Remember, though, that you are not alone in your fear. I cannot even say the word that completes the thoughts I have come to realize. Companionship exists in many levels. I willingly accept this fact and all others that you have previously pointed out, and I want you to know that I am fine with this. I will live my life my way, as you will live yours in your own. You will always be special to me, and of course I will bring you closer to me when you wish to be. No hard feelings exist.
The poetry you write is beautiful- I cannot say that enough. The rhythm just adds to the uniqueness and makes it that much more special. Don't stop writing; just find new ways to become inspired. I shall have my own poems up here shortly, I just need the time.
-----------------------------
FFA Banquet tonight. I am participating and cannot wait. I shall update tomorrow.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Stricken Lyrics by Disturbed
You walk on like a woman in suffering
Won't even bother now, to tell me why
You come alone, letting all of us savor the moment
Leaving me broken, another time
You come on like a blood stained hurricane
Leave me alone, let me be this time
You carry on like a holy man pushing redemption
I don't want to mention, the reason I know
That I am stricken and can't let you go
When the heart is cold, there's no hope and we know
That I am crippled by all that you've done
Into the abyss will I run
You don't know what your power has done to me
I want to know if I'll heal inside
I can't go on, with a holocaust about to happen
Seeing you laughing another time
You'll never know why your face has haunted me
My very soul has to bleed this time
Another hole in the wall of my inner defenses
Leaving me breathless, the reason I know
That I am stricken and can't let you go
When the heart is cold, there's no hope and we know
That I am crippled by all that you've done
Into the abyss will I run, into the abyss will I run
You walk on like a woman in suffering
Won't even bother now to tell me why
You come alone, letting all of us savor the moment
Leaving me broken, another time
You come on like a blood stained hurricane
Leave me alone, let me be this time
You carry on like a holy man pushing redemption
Don't want to mention the reason I know
That I am stricken and can't let you go
When the heart is cold there's no hope and we know
That I am crippled by all that you've done
Into the abyss will I run, into the abyss will I run
I can't let you go
Yes I am stricken and can't let you go
Won't even bother now, to tell me why
You come alone, letting all of us savor the moment
Leaving me broken, another time
You come on like a blood stained hurricane
Leave me alone, let me be this time
You carry on like a holy man pushing redemption
I don't want to mention, the reason I know
That I am stricken and can't let you go
When the heart is cold, there's no hope and we know
That I am crippled by all that you've done
Into the abyss will I run
You don't know what your power has done to me
I want to know if I'll heal inside
I can't go on, with a holocaust about to happen
Seeing you laughing another time
You'll never know why your face has haunted me
My very soul has to bleed this time
Another hole in the wall of my inner defenses
Leaving me breathless, the reason I know
That I am stricken and can't let you go
When the heart is cold, there's no hope and we know
That I am crippled by all that you've done
Into the abyss will I run, into the abyss will I run
You walk on like a woman in suffering
Won't even bother now to tell me why
You come alone, letting all of us savor the moment
Leaving me broken, another time
You come on like a blood stained hurricane
Leave me alone, let me be this time
You carry on like a holy man pushing redemption
Don't want to mention the reason I know
That I am stricken and can't let you go
When the heart is cold there's no hope and we know
That I am crippled by all that you've done
Into the abyss will I run, into the abyss will I run
I can't let you go
Yes I am stricken and can't let you go
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Catching Smoke
It never ceases to amaze me just how much someone can change your life. Every night, as I lie in bed and say my prayers, I reflect on the day's events and lessons learned. I have come to the conclusion that though I have already learned quite a fair amount from life and the people involved in it, there will always be more lessons to learn from. My latest expedition has allowed me to draw many conclusions about my life, as well as about the person I am inside.
Never have I laughed so loudly (or so hard that I have tears streaming down my face and am four shades of fuscia because of air deprivation) or heartily; never have I cried more happy tears from kind words; never have I smiled so much; never have I wanted to not go to sleep, because for once in my life, reality is in fact better than my dreams; never have I felt so sure of my emotions, so happy, so exhilarated. These entire thoughts stem from one source: an amazing (though he doesn’t believe he is) person, Mike. If I could bottle up the feelings, thoughts, and realizations and give them to him, I would in less than a heartbeat. Never have I been struck speechless the countless times that I have been since Mike and I began talking- I rarely shut up as it is. I know he knows how happy he makes me, but I don’t think that he feels the exact caliber that I deal with every time I think of him, talk to him, or spend time with him. Of course, I won’t speak for him, I mean I know I make him happy, too, but how do you describe a feeling that is indescribable in the first place? It’s like trying to catch smoke with your bare hands; you can’t.
I tried to tell him earlier something that had been eating at me and devouring my very being. I actually didn’t realize it until quite recently, and for the first time I am utterly terrified to admit to one of my feelings. He said earlier today that he would catch me if I only took the leap; well dear, let me tell you, I’ll leap blindly into your arms any day, I just don’t want to scare you off. I know your big fear- and you are justified in every way to feel it, who am I to tell you not to? I myself just stated that I, too, am afraid. Yet, no matter what angle I try to approach it from, I cannot come to any other conclusion. However, I will refrain from actually partaking in the act of verbally admitting it, for both of our sakes (for now, at least; I make no promises for when we are both ready to hear it).
*Long contented sigh* And despite all of the aforementioned things, I still want to be with him, having him hold me and just talking with him about anything and everything. Tonight makes the second conversation in a row via phone that we have clocked out at over an hour- last night was 68 minutes and tonight was over 90 (close to 100 minutes, I believe). I can’t recall the last time I talked to someone that long- and there wasn’t even a moment of “awkward silence” at all! He is just absolutely fantastic. He’s all I’ve ever wanted and so much more. I just hope he realizes that, and that he can understand just what he means to me.
I don’t want to think about August; I’d rather live for the moment here and now with him than dwell on the future pain to come. I shall cherish every waking moment that I have with him while I still can, until we physically cannot continue the relationship we have begun. And while I understand that it’s not exclusive, I don’t want or need anyone else right now, and that’s the truth. He’s treated me better than anyone in my past ever has. I deeply care for him and would be there for him in a heartbeat if he asked me to.
But alas, my long-winded ranting has to come to a close. I am exhausted after a long day and am about to go to bed. Goodnight.
Never have I laughed so loudly (or so hard that I have tears streaming down my face and am four shades of fuscia because of air deprivation) or heartily; never have I cried more happy tears from kind words; never have I smiled so much; never have I wanted to not go to sleep, because for once in my life, reality is in fact better than my dreams; never have I felt so sure of my emotions, so happy, so exhilarated. These entire thoughts stem from one source: an amazing (though he doesn’t believe he is) person, Mike. If I could bottle up the feelings, thoughts, and realizations and give them to him, I would in less than a heartbeat. Never have I been struck speechless the countless times that I have been since Mike and I began talking- I rarely shut up as it is. I know he knows how happy he makes me, but I don’t think that he feels the exact caliber that I deal with every time I think of him, talk to him, or spend time with him. Of course, I won’t speak for him, I mean I know I make him happy, too, but how do you describe a feeling that is indescribable in the first place? It’s like trying to catch smoke with your bare hands; you can’t.
I tried to tell him earlier something that had been eating at me and devouring my very being. I actually didn’t realize it until quite recently, and for the first time I am utterly terrified to admit to one of my feelings. He said earlier today that he would catch me if I only took the leap; well dear, let me tell you, I’ll leap blindly into your arms any day, I just don’t want to scare you off. I know your big fear- and you are justified in every way to feel it, who am I to tell you not to? I myself just stated that I, too, am afraid. Yet, no matter what angle I try to approach it from, I cannot come to any other conclusion. However, I will refrain from actually partaking in the act of verbally admitting it, for both of our sakes (for now, at least; I make no promises for when we are both ready to hear it).
*Long contented sigh* And despite all of the aforementioned things, I still want to be with him, having him hold me and just talking with him about anything and everything. Tonight makes the second conversation in a row via phone that we have clocked out at over an hour- last night was 68 minutes and tonight was over 90 (close to 100 minutes, I believe). I can’t recall the last time I talked to someone that long- and there wasn’t even a moment of “awkward silence” at all! He is just absolutely fantastic. He’s all I’ve ever wanted and so much more. I just hope he realizes that, and that he can understand just what he means to me.
I don’t want to think about August; I’d rather live for the moment here and now with him than dwell on the future pain to come. I shall cherish every waking moment that I have with him while I still can, until we physically cannot continue the relationship we have begun. And while I understand that it’s not exclusive, I don’t want or need anyone else right now, and that’s the truth. He’s treated me better than anyone in my past ever has. I deeply care for him and would be there for him in a heartbeat if he asked me to.
But alas, my long-winded ranting has to come to a close. I am exhausted after a long day and am about to go to bed. Goodnight.
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